Ice cream harm prevention

I know that there are millions, perhaps billions of Ice cream eaters out there. I too, on occasion, have eaten a bowl or cone of Ben & Jerry's Heath bar toffee crunch and reveled in it's mighty goodness. But I was not aware at the time of the harsh toll that this so called "goodness" can cause.

Ice cream, if eaten improperly, can cause several painful and humiliating side effects, that most people are unaware of. The physical damage from ice cream comes silently, like a hippo that floats above your bed, and then lands on you. If you eat a large amount of ice cream slowly, or place ice cream in your mouth and do not immediately swallow the said cream, it will numb your tongue and surrounding jaw to a temperature that is well below what it was before. Ice cream can also make a tooth feel very cold, a condition that most first graders refer to as "cold tooth." This is caused by placing a tooth or tooth cluster inside a spoon of ice cream, and leaving it there. Luckily these conditions can be prevented by eating ice cream quickly and in small amounts, or by warming to room temperature.

The second harm that ice cream causes is more painful than the physical attacks however, and is harder to overcome. I'm talking, of course, about dripping. This is a serious problem with ice cream eaters that most people take it for granted. Ice cream, when it drips on a chin, a hand, or (god forbid) a shirt can cause the drip-victim to become the target for social riddacule and vicious taunts. This can lead to an entire life of paranoid eating habits, cold sweats, nervous twitching, and possibly marriage. This taunting is usually started at an early age while the victim is in elementary school, and small ice cream disposable cups are distributed with wooden paddle spoons. Aside from the fear or splinters and licking an uncomfortable flat surface, eating with a wooden spoon takes tremendous dexterity, which some children simply don't have. An untrained WPSE (Wooden Paddle Spoon Eater) can drip ice cream in large amounts, sometimes without even making it to the mouth. Since there is no formal training for this skill, there are thousands of children that enter adulthood doomed to drip on themselves, and always be laughed at for such apparent "clumsiness".

Please help me in the fight to make the world aware of Ice cream's harmful side effects, and the need for proper Ice Cream Harm Prevention training. Because together, we can make ice cream DANGER-free.