Addictive Gaming Disorder

This week's serious rant is more of a warning to all of you potential computer gamers out there. I want to talk to you about AGD, Addictive Gaming Disorder. AGD causes the victim to want/need/live computer games for 5 to 9 hours a day, often with no sleep, nourishment, or external stimulation. AGD is a serious problem that faces many young people today, most of them are males between the ages of 12-30. This serious illness is treatable, but families are often left with serious and painful emotional scars.

The shocking truth is that many people are unaware of this illness. The AGD addicts have little to no knowledge that they are victims of a serious nationwide epidemic. We asked a current addict what he thought when doctors told him he was AGD. He did not respond, because he was too busy playing Diablo II. Unfortunately, this serious threat to American males is starting to affect young females. "Well, I used to be able to talk my boyfriend away from the computer. Now he just tells me that Half-Life is the source of all happiness," says the spokesgirl for the Young Girls of America. "I'm not getting much sex at all. I even tried offering him a three-way with my cute girl friend, but he just kept playing Quake III."

So what can we do to aid a nation of zombie boys and masturbating girlfriends? We asked expert panellist Duke J. Nukemm what his solutions might be. "I'D TEAR THEM ALL A NEW HOLE! GIVE 'EM SOME CIRCULATION! I DON'T CARE HOW FAR YOU GET IN UNREAL TOURNEY, I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW MANY TOMBS YOU'VE RAIDED! YOU NEED SOME FRESH AIR!! WOOF!!" Scientists are also looking into the serious illness of using the word "serious" too often.